The first story is from 1st grade, a full 14 years ago.
Back in 1995, I went to a Catholic elementary school called St. Mary's (coincidentally, I still go to a Saint Mary's). I was a meek and mild kid, very non-aggressive and really rather nice. There was another kid in my classroom named Lee. Lee turned out to be a cool guy, but back in the day his name was "Airplane Lee." We labeled him as such due to his tendencies to run around everywhere with his arms outstretched, making airplane noises. The kid was out of control.
We were taking a mass bathroom break, and Mr. Airplane sets up shop in the urinal right next to me (this was before homophobia rules demanded at least a one-urinal separation between men). I was enjoying a standard urination when someone behind us yells, "Hey Lee!" Lee turned around and continued his stream, putting a streak of piss across my Wranglers.
I was in a state of shock. It took a while to register that another human being had pissed on me. I still remember word-for-word what my response was to Airplane Lee:
"You know what, Lee? You're a JERK. I don't like to use that word, but sometimes I have to on people like you."
I really can't explain why I chose those exact words; all I know is that I made him feel like shit. As I marching out of the bathroom in a stink, Ms. Feine inquired as to why there was pee all over my pants. I tried to explain the situation, but it was clear that she didn't believe me. After this whole scene, I was forced to let the urine dry on my jeans and smell terrible the rest of the day.
Like I said earlier, Lee turned out to be a cool guy. I even played in a band with him during junior year. However, he still to this day holds the unique distinction of being the only person to ever urinate on me. Congratulations, Airplane Lee.
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