Saturday, February 14, 2009

The Lincoln Mazeppa '60

So today my assistant coach Dan and I ventured off to Mazeppa, MN for a 5th grade basketball tournament. Tagging along with us was Tyler, one of our players who needed a ride. This is the conversation that transpired when we got to the gym.

T: Why is it called Lincoln Middle School?
A: Because it's named after Abraham Lincoln.
T: Why did they do that?
A: Because Lincoln is the most famous person to ever come from Mazeppa. Also, when you get straight A's for your entire career at a school, they name it after you. Abe was very smart.
T: So he went here?
A: Correct. He went from here to Illinois to Washington D.C., and now he lives in a nursing home.
T: There's no way he's still alive, he was the 16th president.
A: Think about it... what president are we on now, 44? 44 minus 16 is 28, so do the math... and... it makes perfect sense.
T: How old is he?
A: 140. He's in a wheelchair and is very frail.
T: But didn't he die?
A: No. The nursing home is below the White House, in a cave. There is a secret password to get into the elevator so no more John Wilkes Booths can sneak through.
T: But can't they just shoot the guard?
A: No, because they are armed to the teeth. The guard is always the last president to have served, so George W. Bush just took up the post.
T: How do you know this?
A: Because I tried to get in a few years ago... Bill Clinton stopped me and asked me for the password. I couldn't come up with it, so he made me leave.
T: Wow...
A: I know, astonishing. Lincoln also invented the first car, which is why they named the car company Lincoln after him (much like the middle school).
T: When did that happen?
A: 1860. The model was called the Lincoln Mazeppa, named after his hometown of course. It was made out of all wood and had a coal stove in the back. A fire started in a test drive and killed Lincoln's best friend, so they made driving illegal until the 1900's.
T: Wow...
A: Do you have any other questions? I know everything.
T: Is George Washington still alive too?
A: Have you ever heard of AIDS?
T: Yeah...
A: He was the first celebrity to die from it. He lived in the nursing home for years until he died from AIDS in the 1980's.
T: But that was only like 25 years ago.
A: I know... weird, huh?

Once we got to Fazzoli's I couldn't keep it up any longer, and confessed.

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